4 Myths About Forgiving Infidelity
Last Sunday at church, my pastor was discussing the topic of unforgiveness and the dangers of how it affects us spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Of course, my first thought went right to forgiving infidelity.
Unforgiveness is a cancer. It eats away at us day by day. We think we are benefiting ourselves by not forgiving those who hurt us. We want forgiveness to be extended to us quickly, but we are hesitant to forgive others. When my husband had an affair, I didn’t want to forgive him at first. Truthfully, I didn’t know how.
The HARDEST part of the healing process is forgiveness. Forgiving infidelity takes work and time.
To better understand and practice forgiveness, knowing the myths surrounding forgiving infidelity is extremely helpful. A part of the ongoing process of moving forward from an affair is knowledge. I want to give you hope that it’s possible.
The Mayo Clinic says the benefits of forgiving someone are:
- Healthier relationships.
- Improved mental health.
- Less anxiety, stress, and hostility.
- Fewer symptoms of depression.
- Lower blood pressure.
- A stronger immune system.
- Improved heart health.
- Improved self-esteem.
Being deeply hurt in this life is inevitable. You can’t get through a lifetime without being hurt by someone close to you. We will come to realize forgiveness is a choice. I pray that you will choose it for yourself. But first, I will discuss in this post ways that the myths of forgiving infidelity can hold you back from moving forward.
1. Forgiveness equals trusting again.
When you choose to forgive, it is not the same as trusting someone again.
Letting go of bitterness and resentment differs from rebuilding trust in a marriage. Trust will also take time, and it is done by seeing the unfaithful partner taking responsibility for the affair, along with changed behavior and demonstrating reliability and accountability over time.
For you to forgive isn’t the same as trusting your spouse and putting yourself in a vulnerable place again.
Another thing my pastor said this week that stuck was that forgiveness is given, and trust is earned. Forgiveness and trust both require their separate timelines.
2. When I forgive, I will no longer be angry or hurt.
You will think that you need to FEEL forgiveness first in order to move forward. Trust me, as much as we want this to be so, our emotions will take time to heal, even after we choose to forgive.
I forgave my husband 2 years post-discovery. It was difficult to understand that I could still have feelings of anger and bitterness towards him yet SAY that I forgive him. It’s counterintuitive.
Doesn’t forgiveness mean letting go of bitterness, anger, rage, and resentment?
In fact, it does. But you can’t wait for all those things to pass to forgive, or you never will. Over time, my choice to forgive opened a path to more empathy and even compassion toward my spouse.
The walls around my heart began to come down, and I could sense that the hurt and pain weren’t as intense or overwhelming. My angry outbursts lessened, too. Thank God for this one. Anger is so emotionally and physically exhausting! Forgiveness is a process; remember.
For some, forgiveness can bring almost instant relief. It depends on the severity of the offense. In this case of infidelity recovery, it may take longer. It takes weeks to months or longer to fully release the anger and hurt. It’s ok if it takes time. Just be patient with yourself.
3. I can forgive on my own
I most certainly wish I could say that I had the strength to forgive my husband alone, but there is no possible way.
It is possible you need help too. I am a Christian woman, so most importantly and above all else, I needed the Lord. I couldn’t figure it out at first. And was fighting in my own strength to forgive.
But the Lord revealed to me that I could do all things through Him and that He would equip me with the strength and courage to hand over my offenses to Him and let go of the hurt caused by my spouse.
Other steps that may help are seeking professional help, joining support groups, practicing mindfulness meditation, journaling, and reading books. Finding what helps you along the path is genuinely personal and takes time and patience. Never feel like you have to do it on your own.
4. Forgiving the unfaithful spouse is a one-time thing.
Above, I stated that I forgave my husband after 2 years. While that’s true, it wasn’t me just forgiving him once, and that was it. I had to make the choice to forgive him continually.
This also healed the anger by reminding me I CHOSE forgiveness. I don’t have to be angry because I choose to let go of my hate towards him today. And then the next morning, I had to do it again. And then again. Each time I would do this, I found myself inching closer to healing and growth.
Conclusion
When we choose unforgiveness, we may think that we are making our offenders suffer. But hear me today. You are the one who is suffering. Allowing the pain and anger to destroy you day by day. Because that is what it is doing. As hard as this is, please understand that forgiveness is possible. Even forgiving infidelity in your marriage.
Heavenly Father, I pray today for my brothers and sisters who are suffering from the burden of unforgiveness that you would show them the way out. Shine light where there is darkness and help them see that it is possible to release the anger and bitterness they are storing inside their souls. You are a loving and healing God. I pray against the enemy and his deceit to want to hold us captive to unforgiveness. Help destroy the lies hidden deep in our hearts. Thank you for forgiving us so we can forgive others. Thank you for loving us, and I pray for someone today that you would set them free. Amen.