9 Ways to show love to your wife after infidelity

Do you want to heal and rebuild your marriage? Do you want to show that you can respect your wife and still love her?

Rebuilding love after an affair is a difficult journey. But not an impossible one. It requires commitment, vulnerability, and an unwavering desire to repair the damage.

This blog post will explore 9 ways to show love to your wife after infidelity.

1)Express genuine remorse and apology

Continuously express your remorse for the pain you have caused.

Apologize sincerely and regularly acknowledge the pain you have caused. The pain can feel unbearable most days. Your wife feels unbelievably hurt, and I’m sure she can barely function some days. Put yourself in her shoes and try to understand the depth of her pain and the impact of your actions.

My husband first apologized to me on a walk. He said he was sorry, and I asked him for what. I felt he was genuine and told me everything he was sorry for. Not just having an affair, well, of course, most importantly for having an affair. But also for not being the person he said he was. For not being truthful to his vows. For embarrassing me. For him being broken. For lying to me. For the pain he caused me. For breaking our marriage. For hiding things from me. For hurting his best friend.

This all came about six weeks after D-day. It did feel genuine. It felt like he had given it real thought and understood what he did. It takes some time to get out of the affair fog.

Honestly, he could have apologized in the beginning, for all I know. I don’t remember it if he did. I probably wouldn’t have believed him. Don’t ask me why six weeks later I did. I can’t describe it, I could hear the pain in his words, and it felt like it came from a place of deep understanding of my pain. He was in pain too. It hurts knowing you are the one who hurt someone so deeply.

2)Respect your wife’s feelings

A few things come to mind here. One of them is to respect her boundaries.

After discovering my husband’s affair, I kicked him out of our home. He stayed with a friend for a few months.

I needed time and space to figure things out. To know if I even wanted to stay married.

Respect any requests your wife makes.

Also, be patient and understanding. Her emotions are all over the place. If you are in for the long haul and still want your wife and to make things work, allow her to express herself and work through things on HER timetable.

If you need help showing respect for your wife’s feelings, you can see a counselor who can help and guide you. Affair recovery is so hard to do on your own, so please know that there is help out there.

3)Consistency with your behavior

This was a huge one for me.

I realized over time that if my husband would say one thing and not follow up, it was a huge trigger for me.

Words only go so far. I needed him to consistently show me that his actions matched what he told me. When someone betrays your trust, all you have is their actions. This changes over time, but in the beginning, and I’m talking months to even longer, it is difficult to believe what your husband says. You’re talking months, if not years, of lies and deceit. It takes a lot to come back from that if you’re willing to do the work.

My husband became a softer version of himself and was consistent in working on becoming a better person. I found him making efforts to work on his anger and insecurities. Things that led to the affair in the first place. He was more patient and less reactive. He was kinder and consistently made an effort.

He listened when I hurt. He was reliable in big and small ways. He was punctual. Home when he said he would be. And not a minute later.

4)Show acts of love and affection

How long has it been since you did something nice for your wife?

Let’s face it. An affair is extremely selfish. It’s probable you’ve neglected your wife for some time. A nice homemade dinner or night out. Spend quality time with your wife.

My husband and I got the Adventure Challenge, a couple’s edition book. You can scratch off adventures and date nights. It’s a great way to reconnect. You can get a digital instant print camera too. The dates are unique and get you out of your head for a bit and bring spontaneity and help rebuild intimacy.

Make a conscious effort to show your wife ways you love her and spend time and make her feel valued. Thank her for staying and working on the marriage. Make it known how grateful you are to have her in your life still.

5)Patience with her healing process

So, speaking honestly. Real talk. It took years to heal from my husband’s affair.

I still remember my therapist telling me the average time it takes a marriage to heal from an affair is 2 to 3 years.

And guess what? It took all those years. We are almost five years post-D-day. It is in a healed place now, I assure you. There is and always will be a scar that will never go away. It still aches from time to time when I allow myself to think about it. Even writing this blog is helpful, but also still painful. We are not where we used to be, thank God. And with each passing year, it does become easier.

My husband didn’t always remain patient. The first year or two, he was very patient. I also had to learn to forgive my husband truly. This takes time. You do have to do your part as the betrayed and not keep replaying the events over and over. I often felt like the affair happened just yesterday. And I would treat him as such even though we had worked so hard for that not to be so. It just takes time.

I would say try your best to stay patient with the process. When my husband was patient, it did make me feel respected and loved. And most importantly, supported.

6)Give emotional support every single day.

Be there for your wife emotionally.

A simple way to give support every day is to show empathy. Ask her how she is doing. Please don’t wait for her to tell you. Be there and listen to her pain. Actually, listen.

Every day is so painful. It is soul-crushing. Your wife is heartbroken. Words will never describe the pain she truly feels. It’s a confusing time. You are not the person, the husband she knows and loves anymore.

Provide a safe space for her to express her emotions. Be kind and understanding. And always be available.

7)Allow her the space and time to be angry.

Somedays, I had so much anger building inside.

I wanted to punch something. Or scream at my husband. I hated feeling so angry. It is a helpless feeling and hard to know what to do with.

As much as I despised my anger, I wasn’t ready to let it go. It took a long time not to be angry. I finally realized I was hurting myself more by staying in this cycle. Literally, it was exhausting, and the outbursts took so much out of me emotionally.

Regardless of the time it took, my husband gave me the room to be angry. Looking back, this helped tremendously with my healing. He was there for the outbursts.

Triggers are real. All I could see was red, and the pain would take over. I was no longer in control. I would go from 0 to 100. Just give your wife time and continue to accept responsibility. And most importantly, be humble. It’s hard, but she deserves it.

Her anger is a natural response to the betrayal she has experienced. To the betrayal that you caused. She needs the time to process these emotions.

Most importantly, work on not being defensive. This makes things worse. I understand that you may be full of guilt and shame, which you can work through, but when you get defensive, it pushes your wife away even more.

Not getting defensive creates a safe space for processing and releasing emotions. And makes your wife feel like you understand the gravity of what you have done.

8)Again, make your wife feel respected.

Of course, I have to say it. Communication is so important.

We thought we had good communication. Although when I look back, it almost makes me cringe.

It took some years in therapy and some couples seminars, and just research on our own to figure out how to communicate effectively. Often, a man and woman will hear things differently.

One thing that stuck for us was, “Is what I am going to say going to help us or hurt us”? And “What is my motive for what I am saying”? There’s a lot we both learned through the affair.

I know how disrespected I felt from my husband’s affair. By learning how to communicate better, we were able to heal our marriage. As well as feel respected and heard. Commit to ongoing personal growth through affair recovery. And actively seek professional help.

9)Recommit to a long and happy married life.

One of the things my husband and I want to do next year is renew our vows. What a beautiful way to recommit to one another. We are already recommitted whether we renew our vows, but my husband wants the chance to make it right this time.

Heaven knows he didn’t the first time. He feels beyond grateful to have a second chance with me.

In the beginning, renewing our vows would not have been helpful. We had years of stuff to work through. And I was in so much pain. Almost 5 years later, I have a renewed love for my husband. We are different people. Better people. We are more kind and patient with one another.

I look forward to renewing our vows.

Also, I want to be fully healed when I hear my husband’s renewed vows for me and only me and express his love for me after so much trauma—knowing that we made it to the other side through the grace of God. And seeing our redemptive story.

Conclusion

There are many ways to show love to your wife after an affair. It takes time and dedication to do this, but if you are a husband who wants to stay and fight for your marriage, some things can help your wife along the way. Emotional support and patience help. After all, she is in pain due to your choices. She didn’t get to choose this. You did it to her. There’s nothing worse than being on the end of a loved one’s poor choices. You have also had time to come to terms with the affair. Let your wife catch up. It will take her time to process.