5 Steps To Healing Your Marriage After An Affair
Did you know that your marriage can find healing after an affair? The answer is YES, IT CAN! My husband and I are a walking testimony of that. Five years later, and by hard work and the grace of God, I can say we are still standing. The love we have for each other is strong. Especially now being on the other side.
When you first begin trying to heal your marriage after an affair, it can seem so daunting.
And for the most part, it is.
I wake up in the morning, look back some days, and wonder how we ever survived this. It’s the most difficult thing you may ever go through in your life. Your marriage is so fragile now and needs to be handled as such.
After five years, I can say our marriage is healed. But let me emphasize it did not come without much effort from BOTH parties. It is possible if BOTH of you are invested in healing.
In this post, I will talk about five steps we took at the beginning of our affair recovery that made healing possible. I hope that sharing what worked for us can also work for you. This is not the only action we took, but some of the top factors that saved our marriage.
- Your spouse needs to show remorse
- Seek therapy! And lots of it!
- Find An affair recovery workshop
- Attend more Weekend Intensives
- Seek God
1. YOUR SPOUSE NEEDS TO SHOW REMORSE
I think it took a few weeks for my husband to understand the gravity of what he did. It’s almost like your spouse is living in some fog. My husband was not thinking clearly, but eventually, this did lift, and he was left with the realization of what he had done.
I remember a long walk that we took about six weeks after D-day. He said he was sorry. And I asked what he was sorry for. Honestly, I thought he would say a few things, but he surprised me. And I think, for the first time, I felt healing. He said he was sorry for destroying me, for hurting his best friend, for him being broken, for lying to me, for not being who he said he was, for the pain he caused me, for breaking our marriage and not knowing if it is reparable..and a lot more. It all felt genuine and heartfelt.
His apology wasn’t brief, and I appreciated the fact that there was depth, meaning, and feeling behind it. However, healing your marriage after an affair takes more than just saying I’m sorry. Not only do you need to hear it, but feel and see it as well. Hearing an apology is just the beginning of recovery.
Also, after some time, you will discover that your spouse is in pain too. A different pain than you. But he has hurt someone beyond measure, and now he has to live with that. A repentant heart helped heal our marriage. This wasn’t the last time I would hear an apology, either. He continually asked for forgiveness for the pain he caused me.
2. SEEK THERAPY! AND LOTS OF IT!
Another critical point, and I can’t stress this enough, is to get into therapy with a good counselor. Deal with your problems. Deal with your issues. Learn boundaries. Not only did we do couples counseling, but individual as well. This made our marriage stronger. We would not be where we are today without wise counsel. If you are Christian, find good biblical counseling. Your pastor can offer this to you as well.
In the hope that you both still want your marriage to work, you both have to step up. This isn’t a one-way street. It’s a long process. I remember the shock when my therapist said it typically takes two to three years to heal your marriage from an affair. WHAT! Two to three years? That is ridiculous! This felt unfair, especially as the betrayed. It does take a tremendous amount of energy to do this. But it is possible!
3. FIND AN AFFAIR RECOVERY WORKSHOP
Thirdly, your marriage needs an intervention after an affair. About four and a half months into recovery, and me deciding to stay and work on restoring our marriage, we traveled to a weekend intensive seminar for healing after an affair. This weekend we discovered why affairs happen. The why was so important to me in the beginning because I couldn’t wrap my head around something like this happening in my marriage. They discussed boundaries and how this imaginary line gets pushed further and further until, before you know it, what started as a friendly relationship with the opposite sex turns into a full-fledged affair.
Since then, I can still remember one session where they had us look into each other’s eyes and asked the betrayer to look into the eyes of the betrayed. And for the betrayed to show them the pain they had caused them with their eyes. My husband said that forever changed him. He still thinks about that to this day.
I sat in a large group of women who each told their story of their husband’s infidelity. The pain in their voices and tears from sometimes multiple affairs and years of betrayal. Being around others going through the same thing as me was healing because it can feel incredibly isolating. My husband also sat in a group of men who had cheated on their wives. This workshop was the beginning of rebuilding trust.
4. ATTEND MORE Weekend INTENSIVES
In addition, my husband attended Michael Cusiks Restoring the Soul. A weekend retreat spent with other men suffering from sexual sin and addiction. He found freedom in this. He did a lot of work on himself, and I continued to see him do so. I could see he wanted to be a man of God and a man of integrity. I could see the Lord working on him. Basically, he needed this to heal his soul.
5. SEEK GOD
Who can you turn to in times of tragedy? Who is faithful and will see this through to the end? Who very much sees the bigger picture and will not leave you nor forsake you? The answer is Jesus, my friends. He will comfort you. God has not abandoned you, although you may feel this way. As you travel this difficult road, there will be many hard days. Jesus is for you, and He is for your marriage. Trust Him and lean on Him. Pray to Him. Pray alone and pray together. Be in his word.
"When You Go Through Deep Waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown..."
-Isiah 43:2 NLTConclusion
To sum up, I want to shed some light on some of the things we did that made a difference in healing our marriage. You have to start somewhere. These steps were very crucial in the recovery of our marriage. When you are at the beginning of this, it can seem hopeless. If you decide to stay in this, you have to fight. The truth is, if your spouse wants to stay and wants to work on your marriage and you want to work on your marriage, it is possible to see restoration.