How to communicate boundaries in your marriage after infidelity

What are boundaries?

Simply put. A boundary is a line that shouldn’t be crossed. Period.

We set boundaries in marriage to protect ourselves and our relationships. Every relationship can have a different set of boundaries. Before an affair occurs, most people, including myself, don’t even know what a boundary is, let alone how to set one.

We also think they are mean or cruel or don’t want to deal with the conflict they may bring. When you decide to put a boundary in a relationship, you also have to know yourself and what you are ok and not ok with.

After an affair, you may realize you never established healthy boundaries in your life. Let alone in your marriage. You probably assumed your spouse would understand what was acceptable.

Protect your marriage

You may have also not protected your marriage the way you should have from the opposite sex. Not in any way saying it was your fault. I often think my husband and I were too lax about what we let enter our marriage.

If you want to stay married and heal from the affair, protect your marriage at all costs. Set non-negotiable boundaries. There are just certain expectations that you have when you are in a committed relationship. As I have said, it is very sad that the cheating spouse didn’t just GET THIS from the beginning. However, now you can gain some control and let your spouse know what you are and are not ok with moving forward.

Neither of us protected our marriage the way we should have. And just assuming can be detrimental. The aftermath of an affair causes grief and depression. Moving past the initial days, months, and even years of the hurt and damage caused by infidelity takes time. But it is essential to establish and maintain healthy boundaries moving forward if continuing in your marriage is the trajectory you desire

The purpose of this post

The main goal of this post is to give you hope that it is never too late to set healthy boundaries in your marriage. A marriage counselor can help guide you on this. I will provide a list of good boundaries to set, the importance of setting them, and how to communicate emotional boundaries as well as physical boundaries in marriage.

It’s also vital for the betrayer to honor and respect the betrayed spouse and to talk through what is best if they want to stay in the marriage and do the work needed to save it.

1. The importance of Establishing boundaries to prevent future hurt

Making your boundaries clear after infidelity is crucial to setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. It also can help you gain some control and peace of mind. Like, “Hey, FYI, this will not be ok if this happens again. I will not be around if x, y, and z happen, and you don’t respect my boundaries.”

It would help if you respected yourself enough not to accept or allow certain things to be ok in your marriage anymore. You may have to look back and see the things that you were ok with in the past but aren’t going to work moving forward post-affair.

We never established boundaries in our marriage because I assumed it was a given. Things you do. Things you don’t do. Nothing like an affair to get you to realize the importance of ground rules in a marriage. As well as the importance of communicating them.

Top 3 reasons it’s important and healthy to communicate and have boundaries after an affair.

A. Helps to rebuild trust

By establishing clear boundaries, both partners can gain a sense of safety. They allow the betrayed spouse to feel more secure and that their emotional well-being is a priority. Rebuilding trust is a gradual process, but being on the same page when establishing that certain behaviors are now off limits.

B.Prevent future infidelity

Boundaries serve as a guideline for your partner’s understanding of appropriate behavior and can help reduce the chances of your partner feeling neglected or disconnected from you. Also, for the betrayed to state clearly what is unacceptable moving forward.

C.Promote open communication

Without a doubt, it’s essential to know each other’s needs and expectations moving forward. Don’t be a mind reader or think your spouse is one. You have to fight hard to save your marriage after an affair. And being open and honest and expressing your feelings can help bridge the gap that may have led to the affair in the first place.

2. Communicating healthy boundaries

A.Self-reflection

So important to connect with yourself and sit with your own needs. You must consider what led to the affair and what changes are necessary for moving forward.

B.Honesty

You can express your needs and wants in an honest and also gracious way. You can describe how the affair has impacted you and what you need if this marriage is going to work.

C.Consequences for violating boundaries

I remember telling my husband that certain boundaries were deal breakers for me.

I wouldn’t choose to stay in the marriage if he didn’t get help for his pornography/sex addiction. And, of course, if he didn’t stop communication with the affair partner. Or the most obvious if he were to step out of the marriage again. Some violations of boundaries require the betrayer to take responsibility and accept their actions and the consequences. 

3. Emotional boundaries

There are many emotional boundaries you may need to discuss.

Here are some examples of a few that I feel are very important:

A.No more contact with the affair partner

Duh! But seriously. No more contact. Even if you must find another job because you still work together, do it! Please don’t go to places you might run into them. Delete their number from your phone. And any social media connections are erased forever.

B. Respect each other’s triggers.

Certain words, places, movies you watch, or actions can trigger painful memories or emotions regarding the affair. Once you navigate this more, you may recognize what causes them, and you can do your best to avoid them.

Both parties can have triggers. However, the triggers for the betrayed should be handled with more care. They are typically associated more with the spouse who was cheated on.

The betrayer can have them too. Feelings of shame, guilt, anger, and regret can persist as they did with my husband.

Although they get better with time if the marriage is healing, I still had triggers for many years. I sometimes occasionally get triggers, and it has been five years. I think this is an area my husband and I struggled with.

I recommend a plan to deal with triggers. I would get triggered, and that would trigger my husband. And then we were both triggered. It was a vicious thing.

In summary, everyone is different in what they will need. I was often flooded with anger very quickly and would respond very emotionally. So I needed my husband to be patient and even allow the trigger space just to be. Accepting that I was in my trauma brain and not necessarily logical or able to have a helpful conversation in the middle of a trigger.

Be patient with each other as you both navigate this journey.

C.Set boundaries on discussing the affair

You need to talk about the affair. Absolutely you do. But sometimes, too much talking about it can also not be helpful towards healing.

You can be so exhausted some days from the grief, and talking about it till you are blue in the face doesn’t help. At the beginning of affair recovery, I remember talking about it a lot, but as time passed and we worked through things, my husband and I would put a cap on affair talk.

Also, it’s entirely up to you how much information you want to know. Just know you can’t go back and unhear disgusting details. Some are traumatizing to sit with. But you may need them to move forward. And sometimes, you ask questions, and the answers are so painful, and you will soon know your limits.

D.Seek Therapy

Seeking professional help is another crucial step to making it through to the other side of an affair.

It’s important to realize that without wise counsel, my husband and I wouldn’t be where we are today. It’s too difficult of a path to manage on your own. And most likely, deeply rooted issues need to be dealt with.

Please, I know not everyone can afford therapy but do your best to figure out a way. And one who specializes in affair recovery. You need all the help you can get to rebuild something extremely fragile. And there is help out there for you.

E. Reinforce your emotional intimacy.

Emotional connection after an affair will take time to rebuild. A lot of this fell on my husband in the beginning. I was so hurt and disappointed in this person that I loved and cherished dearly. I never thought he could hurt me this deeply.

I did rely on him for healing for some time. There was a time I felt I had no one else to turn to other than the one who hurt me the most. He did a good job reassuring me of his love for me. He was always available when I needed to talk and would answer the questions I needed answered honestly.

Additionally, other examples of setting emotional boundaries would be not engaging in conversation with the opposite sex. Or maybe you aren’t ready to hear him tell you how much he loves you. So you may need emotional space. Or you need him to show you continuously how much he hurt you and take the initiative to go to therapy or spend time together.

Taking responsibility for the affair, humility, acknowledging the pain he caused me almost daily, quality time spent together, and communication helped reinforce healthy emotional intimacy.

4. Physical boundaries

Reinforcing physical and personal boundaries in marriage also helps rebuild trust and security after an affair. Here are a few examples:

A.Sexual exclusivity

Agree to be sexually faithful moving forward and refrain from physical intimacy outside the marriage. Marriage is about one partner.

B.Transparency with electronic devices

I needed to see where my husband was at all times. So I linked Google accounts to his location. I also got his passwords and open access to look at his phone whenever I wanted. He also got off any social media accounts, and while I thought he would eventually go back, he didn’t. He liked being off them. This helped rebuild trust and helped avoid any suspicions I may have had.

C. Did I say it already? NO CONTACT WITH THE AFFAIR PARTNER

STOP ALL CONTACT WITH THE AFFAIR PARTNER!

D.Physical intimacy

Everyone is different in how quickly they can or want physical intimacy with their spouse. It was difficult to have sex with my husband, let alone sleep under the same covers. I didn’t want to share our bed with my husband for 18 months. He slept in a different room. The betrayed can discuss how much physical affection and intimacy feels comfortable for them.

E.Pornography

Most often, some sexual addiction, especially pornography, goes hand in hand with an affair. Not always, but often. My husband came clean about the pornography addiction he had dealt with since his early teen years. He found support groups and Men’s bible studies. I needed him to get help. The truth is he wanted to get help.

Pornography addiction is an extremely sensitive topic and one I have struggled with immensely, as this felt like a betrayal in and of itself. Discuss any consequences you may have if pornography use continues. These boundaries enable some ground rules on what you will no longer tolerate.

Share your feelings and have some open dialogue with your spouse. It’s difficult, but if you want a healthy relationship, it’s good to share how pornography may affect your healing process.

Conclusion

In summary, a big reason our marriage is doing so well now, five years later, is because of the specific boundaries my husband and I discussed in our affair recovery. He was able to respect my boundaries, and I was able to give him grace through the process. I see even more now how important boundaries are in relationships, especially marriage. 

I have hope for your marriage. You can have a good life after an affair. Provided that you do the work that’s needed to get there.

Lastly, these boundaries serve as a foundation for rebuilding trust, fostering open communication, and moving forward with a stronger and more resilient partnership.