Warning signs you are headed for an affair

You know how the saying goes, “If only I knew then what I know now.” I often wonder if knowing the warning signs of where and how affairs begin and develop would have protected and saved my marriage from an affair.

Would my husband have been equipped to fight his impulses? Would he have talked to me sooner and taken himself out of a situation that forever altered our lives? And would we have known the importance of setting boundaries with people of the opposite sex? Including our closest friends. Would I have seen the warning signs happening right in front of me? I’d like to believe that things would have been different had we been better equipped to handle such temptations.

I want to say that it’s unfortunate that you have to endure such painful events to see how and what you shouldn’t do. More often than not, that’s just the way life works.

Another thing that has been on my mind lately and something that I’ve had to accept is that no one is exempt from having an affair. Looking now at the circumstances and hearing different stories of adultery, many of them have the exact nature in which they occur. Affecting the last person you could possibly imagine to be capable of such a thing.

Having the knowledge now doesn’t change the fact that my husband had an affair. But I will say it does indeed safeguard our marriage from it ever happening again. And does give us a chance to share our story in the hopes that if you get to this BEFORE anything does happen, believe me, you will have saved yourself and loved ones from a tremendous amount of pain and trauma.

If you are even remotely thinking of having an affair and you notice these warning signs in your behavior or thoughts, it’s essential to take them seriously. To begin, let’s discuss the signs of where most affairs start. It is not in any one specific location. However, these are places where research shows they occur most often.

Where do most affairs occur?

1. In your MIND

Our thought life is often regarded as something that is harmless. We need to be taught the effects our thoughts can have on not only ourselves but the people around us. Fantasy will play itself out in the mind before an affair occurs. Thoughts and emotions will be strong due to the dopamine response, and our thoughts can soon turn into action. It’s a very dangerous place to be. You’ve heard the expression you are what you eat. Proverbs 23:7 says something very similar. “So as a man thinketh, so is he.” What we think truly affects how we feel and how we act.

2. The Workplace

The most common place for an affair is at your job. You’re spending countless hours with these people, and it is grounds for a place to start connecting with the opposite sex and easily push boundaries every day, inching closer and closer to an affair without even realizing it. The proximity can lead to feelings of attraction and connection over time.

3. The Gym

Gyms and fitness centers provide people with the ability and opportunity to meet and interact regularly.

4. Friends/Social Circles

Often, relationships with people that we find as just friends turn into emotional and physical affairs. Research finds that 53 percent of affairs occur in relationships with people we are close friends with.

5. Online

Social media creates more opportunity and temptation than ever in this highly technological world we now live in. Even online dating apps can be grounds for having an affair. Although, at this point, you’re actively searching for one.

How do affairs start?

1. Opportunity

Sadly, opportunities can present themselves many times in your marriage. Someone at work may start to give you compliments. A man or woman you never found attractive is attracted to you and shows interest in you. Someone you had a crush on in the past pops up on social media. Someone you and your spouse spend much time with suddenly sparks feelings in you.

2. Unresolved Issues

Many times, you and your significant other haven’t honestly dealt with unresolved issues in the marriage. Unmet needs in a marriage can create fertile ground for an affair to begin. People seek that escape and validation from outside the committed relationship they are in to fulfill something lost in themselves.

3. Personal Dissatisfaction

Individuals are personally dissatisfied with their lives or themselves. Personality traits such as narcissism and insecurities may cause them to search for something to boost their self-esteem or regain a sense of excitement.

4. Temptation

Attraction to someone other than your spouse can create the doorway to start an affair. Most often, emotional, intellectual, or sexual attraction can cause you to want to explore the relationship and feelings that have come with it further.

What are the Beginning Warning Signs of An Extramarital Affair?

1. Emotional Distance

Feeling emotionally distant from your spouse. Maybe you are going through a rough patch, or one partner works long hours.

2. Attraction & Frequent Fantasizing

You frequently daydream or even start to obsess about this other person who is not your spouse.

3. A Sense of Excitement

You are excited to see them next. You start to consider ways you can run into this person.

4. Escalation

This includes excessive time spent talking or spending time with this person. You may start to dress differently or wear cologne or perfume. You’ll look forward to spending one-on-one time with this person. You may begin having more intense romantic feelings and find it more challenging to be away from them for long periods of time.

5. Secrecy

You become secretive about your activities, text messages, conversations, and feelings you may be experiencing. You aren’t transparent with your partner about what your day and interactions look like.

6. Rationalizing your thoughts and actions

You’ll justify your actions and feelings. You minimize any consequences and, in fact, most likely don’t even consider the consequences. You believe you deserve this and convince yourself that your partner doesn’t meet your needs.

Protect yourself and your marriage.

I wish more than anything that my husband and I would have been more prepared with the knowledge to protect our relationship and know the possibility that an affair could happen in any marriage. Here are some strategies to help safeguard your marriage from such risks. 

1. Open and Honest Communication

My husband always says, If only I would have just come to you. He speaks about this further in another blog post. But he would do anything to go back and show his true self and what he was feeling BEFORE the affair.

Mind you, there were a ton of things that needed to be addressed; however, working through them would have been far better than the pain and damage caused by an affair. He let things fester for far too long, and rather than dealing with and taking responsibility for where he was mentally, he chose infidelity.

2. Set and respect boundaries

Realize the dangers that a relationship with the opposite sex can potentially have on your marriage. You need to establish very CLEAR boundaries about what is acceptable and what isn’t with people outside of your relationship. And don’t just think that a person outside the marriage is safe and won’t tempt your partner or your partner won’t be attracted to them. It’s always the ones you least expect! Protect your marriage.

3. Quality time together

Spend time together finding ways to nurture your marriage and connect emotionally and physically. A healthy marriage must do these things continuously. It can be hard work when you don’t feel like it, but do your best not to make your spouse feel neglected when it comes to time and connection.

4. Avoid temptation

A very important one. If you find yourself attracted to someone or starting even to have that little spark of curiosity or wanting more, do you know what you do? YOU RUN! You avoid being in situations, you avoid conversations, and you avoid flirting. Find someone to confess your feelings to if you need to, and then be done with it. Easier said than done, but trust me, you think you’re safe, but that’s not always the case. Even people who think they are never capable go on to have affairs.

5. Respect the commitment you made to your spouse

You made a commitment to your spouse. Remember this commitment. Focus on the things you love about your spouse. Why did you fall in love with your spouse in the first place?

6. Know yourself

My husband lacked self-awareness. He didn’t want to sit with himself because he didn’t realize his thoughts could hurt anyone. His choices came from his thought life as well as addiction problems from a young age. If you know yourself and your thoughts, it’s easier to recognize when you’re going down a slippery slope.

7. Work on your insecurities

Work on your self-worth and insecurities. A lot of affairs happen due to needing constant validation and a sense of continual excitement.

No marriage or person is immune from an affair.

I will tell you straight up. If you think you or your spouse is incapable of having an affair, please humble yourself, set your pride down, and realize that you are not exempt from the risk of this happening. You may think you would never have an affair. But given the right set of circumstances, where you are emotionally and where your marriage is at, it can be a possibility.

I sit here myself as the betrayed spouse and think, nope, I would never have an affair. I know I never would. But given the same set of insecurities my husband had and issues inside of himself, including addiction and feelings of unmet needs in the relationship and so many other reasons people have affairs, I could have easily been the one to stray. Please keep in mind it took many years and knowledge about affairs for me to realize this.

Conclusion

Knowledge is power, and having the proper set of tools to see the warning signs of a potential affair entering your marriage is critical. We need to protect our marriages and the hearts of our spouses. Stay alert to potential problems. I would give anything to have known then what we know now. Learn from my husband. IT IS NOT WORTH IT! RUN!