How to Forgive Someone for Cheating: What the bible taught me

Finding out your spouse has cheated can be one of the most devasting things that will ever happen in your life. It leads to intense emotional breakdown and a tremendous amount of distrust in a marriage. It takes time to heal from such a traumatic experience. However, forgiveness is a powerful tool in the healing process and an important part of our faith as Christians. In this article, we will explore the topic of how to forgive someone for cheating. I write this regarding my husband, who had an affair but can be easily applied to a partner, friend, or family member.

For me, the most concrete path to my partner’s affair was to see it from God’s perspective. I found biblical passages accounting for terrible things that had happened to people and saw how they could still forgive. I witnessed God’s grace and prayed for my own forgiveness. I discovered the importance of obedience and the justice that only God provides. I needed spiritual healing. And only God could heal my heart. 

During many sleepless nights of scrolling through Google looking for anything hopeful that would save my marriage, I stumbled upon a weekend intensive seminar for affair recovery. We were able to attend, but I remember there not being much, if any, discussion on how to forgive cheating. The seminar was good, but they missed this. Little did I know the time and effort it would take on my part. Eventually, I was able to forgive.

Matters of the heart do not heal quickly. It took me 2 years to say to my husband, “I forgive you.” And even longer to feel it. I had to make a choice EVERY DAY to forgive my husband. It wasn’t a one-and-done by any means. 

So first things first. 

What is forgiveness?

The Bible teaches that forgiveness involves several important components, including acknowledging the offense or wrongdoing, extending mercy and grace, and ultimately choosing to move forward and let go. It involves letting go of anger, bitterness, and resentment toward the offender.

The Bible also teaches us that forgiveness is crucial to our relationship with God and a healthy relationship with others. By following God’s teachings, we can experience the freedom that forgiveness provides.

How to forgive your partner’s infidelity

1. See God’s grace and redemption for your spouse
2. God’s justice prevails
3. Obedience
4. Prayer-Focus on your relationship with Christ
5. Change the way you think
6. Seek examples of forgiveness in the Bible

1. God is gracious and the ultimate redeemer

God’s grace is one of the most beautiful aspects of His character. I have witnessed it many times in my own life. But the one that stands out the most is the grace and mercy that He gave my husband.

Understanding God is full of grace

His grace is defined as undeserved favor. It has helped me forgive my husband and often brought me to my knees. He saved my husband from his path of sin and, even more incredibly, forgave him, showed him favor and love, and welcomed him back with loving arms.

Firstly, we must go to the Lord, confess our sins, and ask for forgiveness. 1 John 1:9 says if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. My spouse was forgiven because he did have a repentant heart and did confess his sins to God.

Psalm 103:12 says God removes our sin from us as far as the east is from the West. 

We are never too far away from being forgiven. Isn’t that so powerful? Seeing how much God loved my spouse, he would take his sin and think of it no more. (Heb. 8:12). He treats us as if we never sinned! I know he also provided forgiveness for me, but seeing it for someone who had committed such an act of injustice and STILL love him and show favor to him regardless changed me. It softened me.

Following His example of grace

All things considered, I was able to see my spouse as a broken person. An imperfect person. The Lord was my example. He helped me see my husband through His eyes. He is a child of God who was lost and had turned away from Him. I wanted to be like Christ. I saw God take my husband and make him whole again. I didn’t want to live in the bondage of unforgiveness any longer. Christ says nothing is impossible with Him(Luke 1:37). If nothing is impossible, you can forgive a cheating spouse. God’s example of grace inspired me to forgive this person who harmed me.

2 Corinthians 5:17 says Christ gives us a new nature, His nature. So if God could forgive my husband, so could I. In Revelation 21:5, we are told that “He who was seated on the throne said, ‘I am making everything new!'” He is a forgiver, a redeemer, and a restorer.

The Lord’s example of grace and mercy through forgiving my husband softened me and helped me see my husband through a different lens. I could see Him blessing my husband, and their relationship was blossoming in front of my very eyes. I could see his brokenness.

2. He is a God of JUSTICE

 It is not on us to handle delivering justice. It is God’s. Knowing that God’s vengeance is His and I can hand those who hurt me over to the Lord was relieving. I always envisioned unforgiveness as me handcuffing myself to my offender. How painful it is always to have that person that hurt and offended you with you at all times., 24/7! Day and Night!

Forgiveness allowed me to unlock the handcuffs and hand my offender over to God, trusting Him to take care of the injustice placed upon me. It may not be in this lifetime, but rest assured we will all be judged before God (Romans 12:19). This comforted me in knowing that I could let go and surrender the hurt to God, knowing he will take care of me (Hebrews 13:4).

3. Obedience

It’s important to realize that forgiveness is a process. It takes time, and I learned through counseling that the thing holding me back from forgiving my cheating husband was obedience to God. I knew that God forgives us. I also knew that for me to be forgiven, I also had to forgive. Obviously, I didn’t commit something as awful as adultery, and comparing sins is easy. But we all need forgiveness. Big sins. Small sins. And the closer you get to God, the more you realize what sin has entered your life.

However, forgiveness is easier said than done. And in the natural world seems so hard. I tried forgiving on my own. I really did. But through obedience to Christ, I was able to forgive my spouse. There is numerous scripture on forgiveness. Here are just a few.  

Ephesians 4:31-32

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Matthew 6:14-15 

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Romans 12:19 

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

Hebrews 13:4 

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

Colossians 3:12-14 

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all, these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Luke 17:3 

Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him

Luke 6:31 

And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

Luke 6:27-28 

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.

I turned to God through this heartache, and the more time I spent with Him, the softer my heart for Jesus became. I wanted to listen to Him, do what He said, and then show Him I could obey Him. And doing so has only changed who I am. Forgiveness changes you. It adds to your character. It builds strength in the deepest parts of you. 

4. Prayer-Focus on your relationship with Christ

The Lord had to work on my heart to forgive my husband for the affair. That took time. I saw the work my husband was willing to do to save our marriage. However, I believe you can forgive even if you and your spouse choose not to stay together.

I forgave the OW, who was also a dear friend to me and never received an apology from her or saw any signs of remorse. For obvious reasons, our friendship ended. This forgiveness took much longer. However, I know forgiveness is possible with God, whether the relationship finds restoration or you witness remorse because He saw it through for both people that hurt me deeply. Having a spouse there to work on things can speed up the process. Indeed, forgiveness is more about finding peace for yourself than it is about reconciliation.

Use prayer as a tool for forgiveness

Prayer is a wonderful tool the Lord gives us in times of suffering. You can take all your hurt to Him and have an honest conversation. I asked the Lord to show me ways to forgive someone who cheated on me. It is different from one person to another. But often, I just cried out to the Lord. HELP ME, GOD! The pain was just unbearable at times. But prayer helped me grow closer to God and relieve my hurts to Him and surrender. Deliberately pray, focus on the Lord more, and you will see Him work in your life.

Setting aside time just for you and God and making time to connect with Him is essential, especially now. It is a great relationship and one worth nurturing.

5. You can change your thought life

Reading and meditating on scripture changed my way of thinking. You are likely full of so many horrible thoughts and negative emotions right now.

How can you forgive your partner’s affair when your thoughts are so icky?

Cheating leads to negative self-talk and emotions that affect your self esteem and self worth. And make it harder to forgive and work towards moving forward. Changing how you think will not happen overnight. But mental health is such an essential aspect of recovery. I spent several months listening to and reading Joyce Meyer’s books and podcasts. She has such excellent books and related reading on these topics. Battlefield of the Mind, Living Beyond Your Feelings, The Answer to Anxiety, Do Yourself A Favor, Forgive. And the list goes on. She also had horrific things happen to her and was able to find forgiveness. She always talks about our stinkin thinkin, and it’s true. So take those thoughts to the Lord.

In this situation, there is a time when you ruminate and obsess, especially in the beginning. This is a normal part of affair recovery, but it won’t always be this way, and a great way to break its grip is just taking a verse and meditating on it. Think of that verse. Every time you think of your disgust for your spouse, there’s that verse. All the anger built up. Think of that verse. Im not saying it is easy, but if you meditate on scripture based around forgiveness and gentleness, it does change you and how you think.

Finally, practice forgiveness by letting go of grudges and resentment. Holding on will only make forgiveness more challenging. Focus on the present and the future of your marriage. It is hard to forgive someone for cheating—especially your spouse. You are feeling angry, but I assure you a forgiving heart is worth fighting for.

6. Who was forgiving in the Bible?

Lastly, Jesus is known for his message of forgiveness and compassion for others. The story that comes to mind is in John 8:1-11. A woman was caught and brought in for committing adultery. They wanted to stone her death as that was the law. When I read this passage, I don’t see that Jesus necessarily forgave her at that moment, as she didn’t repent. But He did show compassion for her and did not condemn her. At this time, He let her go and allowed her time to repent. He tells her to go and sin no more. Again, just an example of His grace(undeserving love).

Also, Jesus can completely understand broken trust, but he still forgives Peter, who denies him three times(Luke 22:5-6).

Lastly, Jesus forgives leading up to his crucifixion. This includes when Peter denies Him, but also the betrayal of his disciple Judas, a crowd cursing His name, and the Romans who put him to death, all the while being nailed to the cross saying, “forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

Above all, Jesus shows mercy and kindness to us. And shows strength and courage by forgiving others. What an amazing example for us here on earth!

In Summary

Overall, the message of forgiveness in the Bible has been the leading factor for forgiveness towards my spouse. I know you are hurting. You’re feeling angry and betrayed, but I promise you this. Things will get better. In time, you can come to forgive this person you trusted and find healing and peace for yourself. Together with God, it is possible.

Heavenly Father,

I pray for whoever is reading this that you heal their suffering and heartache. We know that you are at work in their lives and their spouses’ life. You have wonderful promises and blessings for them and will see this pain through until it is healed. Cover their hearts with your light and protection and help them to see you in the darkest of these days. Please help them to forgive their cheating husband or wife. Also, please help them to see that people are imperfect and in need of forgiveness. Teach them how to submit to you and find forgiveness for those that have harmed them. Thank you for walking with us each and every day. Amen.