Healing After Betrayal: Self-Care Strategies for Affected Partners
Experiencing infidelity in a marriage can be incredibly difficult. Some days it’s hard to muster the energy just to get out of bed. It’s a critical time for the affected partner to nurture themselves and implement self-care for healing after betrayal.
When you practice self-care strategies, it can help you cope. Infidelity affects every part of you. It encompasses your mental, emotional, spiritual, and even physical well-being.
I know the days are long and painful, but I urge you to do your best to implement healthy coping skills. You deserve to be kind to yourself. You are experiencing a traumatic event in your life.
The first few weeks, maybe even months, for me were a blur. I made the choice that I needed separation from my husband. Being around him was just too painful, and I even needed time to see if I wanted to stay in the marriage.
I remember how hard it felt to do these things for myself initially, but it got easier with time.
Here are some strategies:
Self-Compassion
Why do we find it so easy to have empathy and compassion for others but find it so difficult to do it for ourselves?
Especially after something as horrific as an affair, we will put the blame on ourselves. We speak cruelly, and our self-talk consists of things you wouldn’t say to your worst enemy.
At first, I struggled with self-compassion. You have to make a choice to be extra kind to yourself, and it will take time.
The truth is your spouse’s affair is NOT your fault. You did NOT cause this. They are fully responsible for their actions. There’s something wrong inside of them that caused them to do this.
Take it day by day, even minute by minute, if you have to. You will survive this and one day will be doing so much better than you ever thought or imagined.
- Practice Mindfulness
- So many apps or youtube videos can help you with this
- Go for a nature walk
- Think of your basic needs
- Eat, bathe, rest
- Be extra kind to yourself
- Treat yourself to a frappuccino
- Take a bubble bath
- Love your pet, or find a friend or neighbors pet to cuddle
- Remember, you are not alone
Seek Support
I got into therapy right away. Like, no kidding, I was in my therapist’s office within a week. I was lucky to have a therapist already. However, if you don’t, I would recommend finding one who is either a marriage counselor or knowledgeable in infidelity treatment. My husband and I have seen some bad therapists in the past, so finding a good one is essential.
Seeking support from your loved ones was helpful too. I didn’t just run out and tell everyone, hey, my husband had an affair. I kept my betrayal very close to me and just talked to my immediate family. My mom and mostly my sister are who I confided in. But looking back, if I had no one, it would have been extremely unhealthy and very lonely.
The sad part was my husband was who I always turned to and confided in, and now he was the one that betrayed and hurt me, so he was the last person I could trust at the time. However, this can change, and believe it or not, your spouse can be the one to help you heal. Provided they do the right things.
Exercise and Nutrition
Exercise and a good diet enhance your mental health. Eating right also helps you sleep and think more clearly.
Getting to the gym may be the last thing on your mind, but I promise you that getting those endorphins going can significantly impact your recovery and greatly help your self-care routine.
Even a walk outside for 10 minutes can boost your mood. I used to lift heavy weights before the affair, but after, every weight I picked up felt like 1000lb! Carrying this trauma is hard!
You can choose a more gentle approach like yoga or hop on the bike for low-impact cardio. It will help maintain your sanity. In time you will find more strength.
Equally important is nutrition. You’ll probably go either way in the beginning. You’ll overeat or lose your appetite. I didn’t have much of an appetite, which made me feel even more lethargic.
It is normal to struggle with this, especially immediately after discovery, but it will get easier with time. My appetite did return. You are going through major stress right now. So take it easy on yourself and do your best to eat well and consume healthy calories.
Take a Break
Okay, honestly, I am not a marriage counselor. This advice comes from my own experience and what worked for me. Everyone is different, and what will work for your situation may not be the same for someone else.
I needed to be separated from my husband in the beginning. He stayed with a friend for about three months before I was ok with him coming home.
Also, my husband wanted to make the marriage work, so I wasn’t waiting for him to figure his crap out. I know there are plenty of affairs where the situation is very different, so again, this may not be your path.
My husband and I still talked during this time and also met in therapy, but days would go by that I just needed time. Time to breathe and have some space.
I spent my time going to church and seeing my niece and nephews, and loving my cats. I also spent my time crying in bed and going through the stages of grief. You will cry. A LOT! Cry, cry, cry. It’s ok, you need this time. Take it at your pace.
I had many nights feeling lonely and even missing my husband. But the man I wanted no longer existed, and I needed to gain some perspective.
The truth is your brain is on overdrive and needs to cool down! Having this time not having my husband around helped me gain the perspective, and the initial emotions that may have clouded my judgment to not stay and work on my marriage had time to die down.
Set Boundaries
Telling your partner what you need is a form of protection for yourself and is super important. An affair affects every aspect of your life, and this can help you gain safety and security. Here are a few boundaries when healing from an affair.
- Taking time and space from the betrayer
- Gaining full access to their phone
- Absolutely no contact with the affair partner
- Separate rooms
Taking time away from my husband was highly beneficial. It wasn’t a set time for us, but we ended up taking a three-month separation.
I also had full access to his phone. I even linked our google accounts so I could see his location on maps and track his google search history.
It was made clear that there was absolutely no contact with the affair partner. ZERO! This would have made matters worse and stalled the healing process.
Even after our three-month separation, I didn’t want to share our bed. I needed my space, even in our own home. My husband slept on the couch for the first few days, and eventually, it was best for him to have his space in an extra room. So it took 18 months before I could have him back in our marital bed.
Journal your thoughts
I can’t tell you how therapeutic it can be to put your thoughts on paper—or even type on a computer or your phone. You can express your anger and emotions and release your pain.
I look back at my journal, and I will tell you it is heartbreaking to read my words, but there are many therapeutic benefits. I even wrote my prayers to God and cried out to Him. And you can express your obsessive thoughts and not feel judged. Just get it all out. There’s so much pain and anger that needs to be released.
Conclusion
It’s critical to invest in proper self-care as the affected partner. Otherwise, recovery can be an even longer process. Self-Compassion, seeking support, exercise, nutrition, taking a break, setting boundaries, and journaling are great ways to practice loving yourself and may provide a quicker path to healing and recovery.
I’m praying for you. That you would find peace and know that this is a process and that you won’t feel this way forever. I pray that you know that you have a God you can turn to and that he loves you and has a beautiful plan for your life. So please don’t give up hope for a better future.
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
-Isaiah 41:10