Best Books On Forgiveness After Infidelity

It takes a long time to forgive. This blog post will cover 3 of the best books on forgiveness after infidelity.

Forgiveness is one of the most challenging emotions to deal with, navigate, and process. I had to purposely go out of my way in search of this whole idea of letting go of all the resentment, bitterness, and anger after discovering my husband had an affair with a dear friend of mine.

After something as heinous and horrendous as your spouse cheating on you, it only seems just to NEVER forgive them. Make them pay for their actions FOREVER. After all, that is what they DESERVE, right? 

The truth is you’ll read it over and over again. Even though, looking back, it always annoyed the crap out of me. But forgiveness is not about your spouse. It’s about YOU and your healing, and it’s a gift you can give to yourself. 

It’s a process. A VERY, VERY LONG process.

 Nonetheless, forgiveness is possible and can change your life. And the life of your marriage if you truly forgive. It took me two years to forgive my husband. And even longer to feel it. 

I had to choose to forgive him. Here are some resourceful books that helped me the most. 

I am a Christian woman. So, at the end of the day, my heart is for the Lord. And if you are open to reading the Bible, which I pray you are, know that the Word is a considerable resource and life-changing when it comes to learning about forgiveness. 

I will give you some scripture that guided me along this path. A few other books considerably changed my perspective on forgiveness and opened my eyes, and I believe they can also help you. 

These top 3 Books on Forgiveness can help. 

Books on Forgiveness

1. Bible

What is the Bible?

The Bible is the Word of God.

 It begins with the Old Testament. This portion is a series of books within the Bible that occurred before Jesus Christ. It is made up of 39 individual books that begin with Genesis. 

Genesis tells the story of how God created the world, the story of the first man and woman to exist, Adam and Eve, and how they fell to sin and how to relate to God through obedience and trust. 

The second half of the Bible is called the New Testament. This portion is written after Jesus Christ and is made up of 29 books. These books recount the life and death of Christ. The first book, Matthew, is an introduction to Jesus and his genealogy. We learn about Jesus as a baby, his baptism, and his relationship with his disciples, amongst other things. 

What is the purpose of the Bible?

The Bible serves multiple purposes. 

The main purpose is that it shows us who God is, His character, and His love for us. It provides guidance, teachings, and moral principles. Its stories, instructions, and passages offer insight, comfort, and encouragement in times of joy, sorrow, and spiritual growth.

 It addresses justice, compassion, love, forgiveness, and social responsibility.

What Can the Bible teach us about forgiveness?

The Bible teaches the importance of forgiveness, how it leads to healing, liberates us from carrying grudges, how it is obedience to Christ to forgive others as He forgives us(which he does forgive us if we repent), as well as reconcile a relationship if that is what is safe and an option moving forward. 

It also teaches us about humility and how prayer and forgiveness can go hand in hand. Please read some scripture to help you learn about forgiveness and the healing that can occur. 

God commands us to forgive as we have been forgiven. Daniel 9:9 says, “The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him.“

 In Isaiah 43, verse 25, God says, “I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins.” 

1 John 1:9: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

Ephesians 4:32: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God has forgiven you.”

Colossians 3:13: “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

There are countless other scriptures as well as stories in the Bible that go over forgiveness. 

Jesus is such a powerful example of forgiveness. He was betrayed by those closest to him and yet found it in his heart to forgive. Even forgiving those who crucified Him.  

Joseph forgave his brother, who sold him into slavery. 

The father and his prodigal son are, of course, a great example. Luke 15-32 tells the story of a son who squanders his advanced inheritance given to him by his father. After he spent everything on a lavish and immoral lifestyle, he found himself in dire need and living in poverty. Realizing he made a mistake, he returns home to his father. Who sees him off from a distance and runs to his son, where he lovingly welcomes him back with open arms.

The son made mistakes and wasn’t perfect, but he realized he needed to ask forgiveness and return home. As his father states, “But we had to celebrate and be glad because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.” He went from foolish and unwise to an awareness of his faults and wanted to make amends. He was blind, but now he could see.

2. Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World. By Desmond Tutu & Mpho Tutu

Forgiveness is hard work. It seems like such an impossible task for such a crime against you. You need help and resources to guide you along the path of forgiveness.

This was the best book outside of the Word that was extraordinarily healing and helped me forgive and find peace. The author starts by explaining: 

Why Forgive?

He covers how forgiveness helps you find true healing and peace. And how revenge is not the answer. Also, this healing is for us and no one else. 

Naming the Hurt

He discusses the importance of telling our story and naming the hurt someone has caused us. And how we get stuck by keeping our trauma to ourselves. We have to face our feelings to move forward. 

Granting Forgiveness

Inevitably, we forgive by CHOOSING forgiveness. Otherwise, we are stuck repeating the stories in our minds. We are moving out of the victim mentality. Even though we are the victim of this story, we don’t have to stay in that mindset forever. Granting forgiveness gives US the power. It frees us from our jail cell and lets us let go and move forward. 

Renewing or Releasing the Relationship

When a spouse cheats, you have the choice to stay and try and work and renew the marriage. You also have the choice to release the marriage and end the relationship. Renewing or releasing the relationship is a personal decision and one that is difficult either way you decide to go. I think walking away would have been easier. Renewal is years of hard work and working through the emotional trauma with the one who hurt you. However, the author goes on about making a new relationship and that it IS possible.  

Needing Forgiveness

We all need forgiveness. The author discusses the importance of asking for it and how it can heal the wounded person and the relationship. Admitting our wrongs is such a crucial aspect of the healing of a marriage after infidelity. If my husband didn’t take responsibility for the suffering he caused me and genuinely wanted to make things right, our marriage wouldn’t be here today. I saw him experience genuine remorse for his actions. This may be a good chapter for the spouse who has betrayed you. It’s really about learning to be accountable for what you have done. 

Forgiving Yourself

The author discusses the importance and difficulty of forgiving ourselves. I was incredibly angry with myself for not paying closer attention and missing the signs that my husband was cheating with my friend. I thought I did indeed see the signs but was so angry that I didn’t ask more questions, even though, at the time, I did suspect something was off. Thinking I could have somehow stopped the affair from happening. I had to forgive myself. It was NOT my fault that husband had an affair.

Again, I highly recommend reading this book on forgiveness.

3. Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa Tyrkherst

Lysa Terkeurst is a Christian Author whose husband was unfaithful to her. 

They renewed their vows only to divorce a few years later. Sadly, her husband couldn’t be faithful, so she ended the marriage. However, her book was written after the infidelity in her marriage and discusses finding peace through forgiveness. 

This is a book I highly recommend to others searching for knowledge on how to forgive others. She is so wonderfully able to articulate how unforgiveness FEELS. Sometimes, it’s so difficult to put into words. But she does a fantastic job. 

Chapter 4 is a memorable one.

 How is Forgiveness Even Possible When I FEEL Like This?

The last thing you want to do is forgive when you don’t FEEL like it. It’s normal to think that you must feel forgiveness first before being able to do it. It just doesn’t make sense otherwise. Lysa goes on to talk and ask the best questions. But do you want to heal? Do you want to work your way out of the pit? Do you want out of the darkness? 

She talks about the reality that it takes years to forgive. To process. She even goes into depth about her spouse, who had yet to admit his wrongdoings—waiting for a feeling again of fairness. However, that feeling of fairness may never come and wouldn’t undo what happened or take away the memories. 

Unchangeable Feels Unforgivable

Forgiveness leads to good. Lysa talks about revenge and, the damage it causes, and the long-term effects of what it will cost you. She talks about placing your hurts in God’s hands. Hand your offender to the Lord. He is the only one to give justice. Leaving it to the wrath of God. She goes on to read a scripure.

Romans 12:18-21 says “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.”

Summary

Forgiveness can bring healing, peace, and freedom to both the forgiver and the forgiven. It has the power to mend broken hearts, heal relationships, and restore or even create a sense of inner peace. It is the hardest thing, at least for me, that you will ever do in your life after infidelity in your marriage. But by choosing forgiveness, you can free yourself from the hurts of your past and live in a more harmonious state of mind. By reading these books, you can take the first steps toward peace and freedom. 

Heavenly Father, 
Please help us to forgive those who have harmed us. In this case, our spouse has committed the ultimate crime in our marriage. We ask you to forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who have trespassed against us. This difficult road, Lord, can't be done without You. Heal our broken hearts and mend our open wounds. We are hurting. And this pain is excruciating. Help us to know that we are not alone and that you will heal us. Please help us to live past our feelings of unforgiveness and soften our hearts as we take the steps necessary to move towards peace and freedom. You desire for us to have peace, Lord. Thank you for all you do for us. You are a miracle God and can perform miracles in us and our marriages. We love you and ask all this in your most glorious name, Jesus Christ. Amen!