Can a cheater change?
Infidelity is a topic that has troubled relationships for centuries, leaving deep scars and shattered trust in its aftermath.
When a partner cheats, it can be devastating, and the question of whether a cheater can truly change often arises.
Can someone who has betrayed their partner’s trust transform and become a better person?
In this blog post, we will delve into the complex nature of infidelity, the potential for change, and the steps one can take that lead toward redemption and rebuilding trust with their partner.
I will also list things that have worked in my marriage through the many years of healing and working through the pain of infidelity.
So, can a cheater change? Let’s find out.
Understanding the root causes
Before I discovered my husband cheated, I didn’t see any signs of him ever being capable of such an atrocity.
Sure, our marriage wasn’t perfect, who’s relationship actually is, but no matter what, I always felt we had a mutual respect for one another.
Soon after the affair, I found myself consistently questioning how he was ever capable of inflicting so much hurt on our marriage. How did I miss the signs?
After some time, you can choose to come to terms with the status of your current relationship and realize that the person you thought you knew has deeper issues than you could have imagined.
Cheating IS a symptom of a deeper issue within the cheating partner and possibly even within the marriage or relationship.
By being open to the possibility of change, we were able to get to the root of my husband’s infidelity and really dig in deep. He took responsibility as the first step in addressing the problem.
The process included seeking professional help and individual therapy to understand his behavior and look into past issues that were never resolved. Such root causes of behavior can include:
1.Personal Insecurities
2.Childhood traumas
3. Pornography and sex addiction
4. Emotional or physical needs not being met
5. Escapism
6.Personality traits
Just to name a few. However, I found all of these in my marriage and my husband’s affair. Infidelity isn’t black and white. It’s difficult to point your finger at one thing and say, “Yep, this is it. This is the reason they cheated”.
I so wish it was cut and dry. A root isn’t something found on the surface. You have to dig deep to get to it; even when you do, it takes much strength to pull it out completely.
Cheating is simply the symptom of something much, much deeper. Getting to the root cause of it and discovering why you cheated and did what you did instead of throwing it back under the rug and hoping it doesn’t happen again is just the beginning to change.
Once a cheater, always a cheater is the wrong answer.
Personally, I refuse to encourage the belief of “once a cheater, always a cheater.” It is not something I can embrace, especially when I witness the ongoing efforts my husband has made to change and the genuine remorse he expresses for the pain he has inflicted.
We worked effing hard for three years to save our marriage, and both worked on ourselves too.
You know this saying; however, I believe in a redemptive story of a man who doesn’t want to cheat but finds himself doing it anyway. In too deep. No way to get out but further and further in.
We used the experience to create a stronger marriage. And for my cheating husband to identify the deeper soul-crushing reasons behind his choices.
My husband rebuilt his character and desperately wants to be a man of integrity, a good husband, and a man of God.
His past choices won’t be made a second time for fear of losing not only what we have rebuilt but also for fear of losing himself. Because a cheater does lose himself, something deep inside of him was broken for so long. So why would he want to go back to that brokenness?
Self-reflection and Personal Growth
Self-reflection and personal growth, in my opinion, are the most crucial step in the answer to whether a cheater can change.
It is also the most painful and difficult step as it will take time and discovering a deeper sense of who you are and what makes you you. It isn’t a pretty thing. It’s a painful thing. For a cheater to change, sincere self-reflection is essential.
The cheater must be willing to take a hard look at their actions, motivations, and the impact of their behavior and infidelity on their partner.
This introspection requires a ton of humility, honesty, and a genuine desire to understand and confront one’s flaws.
What my husband discovered
Through self reflection, and with the help of wise counsel, my husband embarked on his journey of transformation, beginning with revisiting his childhood and confronting past injustices.
He faced the difficult truth of a pornography addiction that had plagued him since a young age, acknowledging its impact on his behavior.
Also, he confronted the narcissism and selfishness that are needed to cheat in the first place.
Additionally, it took him understanding that fear of rejection had prevented him from fully embracing his true self within our marriage. He dealt with his insecurities silently for years.
Our marriage played a role too. I know it’s hard to accept this for some, depending on what phase of the discovery and healing they are in, but there was a lack of real honest communication in our marriage. We took each other and our feelings for granted.
The truth is, I took him for granted, and our intimacy was lacking. I’m not talking just about sex here. I’m talking about true intimacy.
His pornography addiction made this a much bigger hurdle. But also, the anxiety I dealt with from an early point of our relationship was adding fuel to the fire.
We are almost five years post D-day, and my husband continues to work on himself. Sometimes I can see the discouragement in his eyes, like, will I ever not have something I need to work on?
The truth is, it took many years to get to where we are. It will take many to continue on a path to change.
We attended a weekend seminar where the couple was 20 years from discovery. You could tell this couple was healed. While I don’t think we are there yet, we are on our way.
Self-awareness, reflection, relational self-awareness, and personal growth never end, especially after something traumatic happens to you or especially when you are the one that caused it.
Rebuilding Trust
Every interaction with your spouse or partner is an opportunity to rebuild trust or a chance to lose it.
I am speaking to the partners who chose to be unfaithful. Most of the rebuilding comes from a GENUINE effort to make this happen.
Again, a ton of humility and keeping up with what you say you will do. My husband could say something, but if his actions didn’t match, it wasn’t a way trust could be rebuilt for me. The top ways we rebuilt trust in our marriage were:
1.A deep willingness to look inward. Self-awareness of the damage and hurt caused. Taking responsibility.
2.Going to couples therapy, seminars, pornography addiction groups, and men’s groups. As well as individual therapy.
3. Actually seeing a difference in my husband and his character. Humility and patience, is not as quick to anger, takes initiative to make the marriage work, has open communication, is a much softer version of himself, is kinder to others, and is a man of God. Seeing consistent change over time.
4. Answering difficult questions honestly.
5. Know that it will take time. LOTS and LOTS of time.
It does take two to participate in the healing process actively. It took empathy on both our parts and a ton on mine as well as a forgiving and understanding heart.
Consistency and Long term change
A cheater can change if they can commit to the time and consistency it will take to change deeply ingrained patterns. A cheater must demonstrate consistent change over an extended period, proving that their actions align with their words. This involves:
1. Practicing fidelity
2. Prioritizing the needs of their partner.
3. Consistently making choices that nurture the relationship.
It’s important to remember that change is a gradual process, and setbacks WILL occur.
Another reason why having a therapist and wise counsel help you through the trauma and rebuilding your life after an affair is crucial.
However, long-term change is absolutely possible. Just with the acceptance that there will be ups and downs and moving forward and moving backward.
Also, I want to remind you your significant other is only human and not perfect. It takes time. It truly does.
Forgiveness and moving forward
Forgiveness is such a personal journey. The length of time and what it takes to forgive will vary from person to person.
At some point, the betrayed partner does have to make the choice of whether they are going to forgive their spouse/partner and move forward. Sometimes reconciliation is a part of this, and other times it isn’t.
Just know that forgiveness does not mean forgetting or condoning cheating. It’s a way to heal yourself and, if you choose, heal your marriage.
Forgiveness and moving forward also need to come from the betrayer as they need to forgive themselves for what they did. They can face a ton of guilt and shame and may need to work through this with a therapist or a pastor.
Forgiveness is the choice to release anger, resentment, guilt, blame, and shame from both parties. Moving forward requires open and honest communication, setting new and healthy boundaries, and a shared vision for the relationship and future.
Conclusion
The question of whether a cheater can change is pretty complex. The path to change is challenging and time-consuming.
However, I am a witness to such change and want to give you hope for your future that it is possible. With genuine self-reflection, a commitment to personal growth, and consistent effort, it is possible for a cheater to become a better person and rebuild trust in a relationship.
I have seen it in my own sweet husband. Yes, he is my sweet husband. Who was taken from ashes to beauty, and I have seen the change in him through all these things that we both put hard work and effort into.
And now our marriage is in a good place, with a solid foundation. Not only do I look forward to a healthy future, but I am living it in the here and now. And believe you can too.