How to Manage Our Triggers After Infidelity

It’s crazy to look back 5 years now and think of how bad the triggers from my husband’s affair were. I would do anything to escape the feelings that they caused. For me, it was pure rage. 0 to 100. RED. All I could see was red, and the feelings of fight or flight.

The adrenaline overtook my senses. There was no rational talk during a trigger. No way for me to see out of the pain I was in. So much pain.

Now that some time has passed, I don’t experience nearly as many triggers. Thank you, Jesus.

They still occur from time to time, though. Maybe they will always be there. Who knows. However, my ability to see them for what they are and better understand them and how to control my emotions has significantly improved.

My husband also knows how to respond when I’m having a trigger, which helps.

When you are triggered, your pre-frontal cortex(responsible for regulating our thoughts, actions, and emotions) of the brain is all screwed up, and logical thinking is for real out the window. Even from a scientific view, triggers are a challenging thing to work through.

In this post, I will share some of my triggers throughout my affair recovery journey and the things I did that helped me heal and move past some of them. An affair is a traumatic event that shifts your view of the world. The person you thought you knew is not that person. Simple things like watching TV or listening to music are not the same anymore.

I’ll also offer some coping strategies that I think helped me and my marriage. Just with anything involving affair recovery, know that it will take time, but that they will also lessen and get easier to handle.

Sometimes, you must do certain things to work through the pain of a trigger. So, let’s begin.

TRIGGERS: WHAT ARE THEY?

Triggers are a response to certain stimuli or reminders of your spouse’s infidelity that can activate powerful emotions. These triggers are associated with the pain, distressing memories, and trauma caused by betrayal.

Examples of how triggers affect you physically and mentally:

• Nausea
• Crying
• Feeling you have no control over your emotions
• Anxiety
• Angry outbursts that feel out of your control
• Inability to have a rational conversation
• Dissociation

Common triggers when recovering from infidelity:

• Memorabilia
• Hearing your spouse’s Affair partner’s name
• Pictures on the wall
• Something your family says
• Something your spouse says
• Your vehicle
• A billboard
• A song
• TV or a movie
• The gym
• Your home
• Your spouse

Some triggers are worse than others.

The TOP TRIGGERS I experienced (especially the first couple of years) were pictures, TV shows, movies, and, more often than not, something insensitive a family member would say. Obviously, anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays were highly triggering. And, of course, my home.

I loved my home, and truthfully, somehow, God gave me the peace to stay in the house my husband and friend cheated on me in. Eventually, I knew for my mental health, it wasn’t a place I could stay in forever, and God blessed us financially so we could sell our home and move to another city. I’ll cover this more in this post.

I’ll go over possible triggers and coping strategies for each one. It’s so easy to feel overwhelmed as these triggers occur repeatedly after traumatic events.

Address your triggers and know that you CAN heal past trauma and that your emotional reactions do get better over time. But you must take care of your mental health and learn to deal with such intense emotions.

People can tell you there are many different coping strategies, but until you experience betrayal for yourself, you won’t know how deeply personal and subjective it can be.

Even when others may empathize with you, they will never know the depth of your pain unless they have experienced something similar.

TV and movies

This is one of the more common emotional triggers when it comes to infidelity. It’s funny (not really) how many TV shows and movies include themes about trust, adultery, and betrayal. And how it never bothered you before.

Now that you are on high alert and overly sensitive to an affair, you NOTICE IT ALL THE TIME. Storylines that mirror your own experience and scenes involving cheating are triggering material.

The truth.

This crap is hard to watch. I would often tell myself I was okay and continue watching, but only after so many times do you realize that you are only hurting yourself by continuing to subject yourself.

It’s okay to turn it off to limit your exposure. To me, TV is really just an escape, and I found it to be anything but that when trying to get over my husband’s affair. I found that if I were watching these shows with my husband, my emotional responses would be heightened. It took a little time to get it right, but I would highly recommend watching something else or going for a walk—anything to disrupt the negative thoughts.

And don’t continue to watch a series if it makes you feel anxious and gives you that sick feeling inside.

Trust me, you will not be fine watching it.

Thankfully, it got to a point where my husband would take over and say nope, we’re not going to watch this. My triggers weren’t fun for him either.

We guard what shows and movies we watch now and even look up the parental guide for nudity and sex(another trigger) and don’t subject ourselves to those shows anymore. It can be quite a setback if you ask me.

Pictures and Memorabilia

Pictures of my wedding were heartbreaking to look at after the affair. I took down all the picture frames from our walls and on dressers and end tables. They were all reminders of what I felt was a life of lies. My whole life with my husband felt like a lie.

My husband was having an emotional affair during our wedding. And my friend with whom he was having an affair was at our wedding. She was in my wedding photos. Gross. I hate that she was in my wedding photos. I hate that she was there. That I shared the dance floor with her.

Anyway, you will have an emotional response to photos. The best way to avoid potential triggers was not to see them anymore.

Eventually, you will hang pictures again. Whether you stay in your marriage or not. You will make new memories. It has been five years since finding out about my husband’s affair, and we literally JUST hung two shelves of picture frames with new memories over the last couple of years. Pictures of us buying a new home. Going on a trip. Visiting a pumpkin patch. Our kitties that passed. Our new kitty. Pictures with friends and family.

By God’s grace, I was able to hang our wedding pictures up again in the hall leading to our bedroom. How….forgiveness and time. I did eventually truly forgive my husband. And regardless of what he was doing during our wedding, it was still a beautiful day. The love for each other was still there on that day. We had waited a long time to marry each other.

While it is sad now, many years later, and therapy sessions and couples counseling and communicating and understanding WHY my husband had an affair, I can hold on to the beauty of that day. I have to.

Soon, my husband and I will be renewing our vows.

I look forward to it.

Anniversaries/Birthdays/Holidays

Overcoming triggers related to specific dates like anniversaries and holidays is going to take time. The negative emotions that arise around these times can be overwhelming, but it is possible to overcome them. Self-care is critical, as well as acknowledging that you will have some feelings and accepting them without judgment.

Over time, you will and can make new traditions, hopefully with the help of the unfaithful. But even if they don’t help, you deserve to create new healthy memories. June and July were and still can be especially hard months for me. Our wedding anniversary, my husband’s birthday, my birthday, and D-Day anniversary are all compiled in these two months. That’s a lot of potential triggers on any given day.

Your car/spouse’s car

I was also triggered by my car, as well as my husband’s car. Our friend(AP) spent a lot of time in both vehicles. And when it turned into a physical affair for my husband, stuff happened with him and AP in his car.

No need for details. Sickening really.

We traded in his car shortly after the affair, although we waited longer than I wanted. Financially, things don’t always line up, but if they do, I highly recommend doing anything and everything you can to get rid of these things. Trade them in for something else.

After five long years I recently just traded in my vehicle that ‘she’ was in.

It was sort of the last piece of her that still had this hold over me. I could close my eyes and picture her there in the passenger seat. We were having conversations and laughing and connecting.

It hurt.

I could (not so easily) shove it down and pretend like I was fine driving my car; after all, I still did after 5 years. But honestly, getting rid of that car did free me and helped me let go of the past and move forward.

Your home

Discovering my spouse had an affair in our home created DEEP emotional triggers and wounds that penetrated my soul. Your home is supposed to be a place of comfort and peace. My husband and friend took that away from me.

The truth is, I loved my home. My decorations and the life my husband and I created together. The fun memories and laughter. The meals we prepared, the friends and family we hosted, the holidays we enjoyed, and so much history. And sadly, it became a triggering environment.

They had sex in the living room, the hall, and our bedroom. They snuck around when I was at work. While all this sounds awful someway, somehow I was able to stay here, in my home with my cheating husband, and work through the aftermath of his choices.

Honestly, it destroyed me, but it came to a point where a peace washed over me, and I was still able to BE there. It was the Lord who gave me the strength to endure and the peace to go day to day.

We attended a weekend seminar from Beyond Affairs, and the couple hosting told us they recommend couples whose unfaithful spouse had an affair in their home to move. I was thinking I’m not moving. It’s so unfair. And not that easy, especially in certain states where buying another house isn’t the most affordable. I was also 10 minutes away from my mom and a pet-sitting business that took years to build.

I prayed about it and knew, eventually, it was something I wanted. But I also had to wait for God’s timing.

Four years later, we were blessed with our finances and could buy a new home. I can say this was life-changing for our story of recovery and healing. I escaped feeling triggered and having trauma reminders for potentially many years to come.

This isn’t to say that couples haven’t stayed in their homes post-discovery. I know another couple whose wife caught him in bed with the other woman. She somehow was able to stay in their home. Whether that was choice or economic reasons, I don’t know, but this couple is on the other side of the affair and has a happy marriage now.

I was able to heal and do mostly all of the recovery work while in our old home, so it’s possible. But now that we are in a new environment, a new city(same state), and a different community, my home gives me the warm fuzzies as my husband and I are in a better place. And now we can create new and lasting memories here.

Hearing affair partners’ name

This one will do it EVERY TIME! Just a few weeks ago, my sister-in-law asked my husband and me if we knew a famous person named (insert affair partner’s first name here). There was an immediate energy in the room, and I felt triggered. You can physically feel triggered in an instant when it comes to trauma. Literally, it has now been over five years, and I still have an emotional response hearing her name.

Thankfully, it passed very quickly, and my sister-in-law also realized the name she said. We were all quick to change the subject, but still, her name can create strong feelings even after all this time has passed. The only difference is that it comes and goes much faster. It’s almost an unconscious reaction at this point.

Conclusion

Truthfully, you will need to find coping mechanisms that work for you and your individual experience, but also realize that all these triggers will most likely be your triggers as well. They’ll take time to overcome but don’t give up hope.

They will improve with time, doing the right things, and your spouse coming to the table. If you are healing without the unfaithful partner, there are mental health professionals out there to help you with these intense negative emotions.

Don’t feel like you are alone, and do whatever is necessary. Set boundaries, shut off the TV, don’t listen to certain music, listen, and surround yourself with things that are uplifting and people that you know are good for you.

Practice mindfulness meditation. Pray to God. He is always there to listen and will give you what you ask according to His will for your life. Fight for yourself, fight for your marriage if that is your path. And know that triggers are a completely normal part of the healing process.