5 Questions to ask your Partner After Infidelity
When faced with the aftermath of an affair, you may find yourself at a crossroads of whether to stay or leave. It’s during these moments that asking questions can be a way to guide you in whether or not you can rebuild trust with your partner.
I remember having hundreds of questions for my spouse after discovering his affair. Perhaps you, too, have confronted your partner with serious questions of your own.
When I saw my husband for the first time, one question stood out for me. “Are you in love with her”? The response to that question had the power to dictate my following reaction. We will delve deeper into this moment here shortly.
Thinking back to the beginning and even the many months and even years of recovery, asking questions can bring healing to the pain and devastation of an affair.
Not every betrayed spouse will have the same questions, but many seem similar, almost instinctual.
In this blog post, we will explore five questions to ask your partner that can help guide you through the challenging process of addressing the aftermath of an affair with your partner.
Your spouse/partner’s answers can also help you decide if staying with them is the best course of action.
Mind you, if you choose to stay, without even realizing it, these questions have the power to rebuild trust in your relationship.
They allow you to seek understanding, process emotions, and embark on a path of healing and restoration.
If the betrayer is willing to show up openly and honestly, it can bring tremendous healing and the possibility of a renewed future.
5 questions to ask your partner:
1. Are you in love with him/her? What feelings do you have for them? Do you want to be with them?
My first question to my spouse was if he was in love with his affair partner.
I’m speaking from my personal experience, as everyone’s journey is different.
At that moment, if he was in love with her and wanted to be with her, I was ready to let go of the marriage. I needed to know his feelings and what he wanted. Although looking back, I realize that the cheating partner often doesn’t want the affair partner at all, even if they think they do initially.
My husband said he was not in love with her and did not want to be with her. Sure, he could have been lying at that moment, but his actions and self-reflection proved over time that he was in the affair for other reasons. And that he wanted to stay and rebuild his marriage.
Staying with my husband when he thought he was in love with someone else would have been extraordinarily difficult. Not impossible, but it would just have added another layer of complexity. I also often wonder if a spouse who says they are in love with their affair partner understands if these feelings are genuine or if they are just confused.
Regardless if they’re not in love with the affair partner, they will still most likely have feelings that must be worked through.
Especially depending on the time frame of the affair. I think my husband did care for the affair partner but not enough to actually want a life with her. It was all fantasy.
If your spouse IS in love with their affair partner, it’s really up to you if you want to continue in the marriage. Remember, emotions do change over time. So seeking professional help and making choices that align with your happiness and well-being is essential.
2. Why did you have an affair? What did you get out of it?
Understanding the affair was crucial, and I didn’t get all the answers in one sitting.
It took a while, a ton of self-reflection, and therapy on my husband’s part even to discover why he did what he did. Understanding the reasons can help discover the root causes and lead to a healed relationship.
Throughout some of the questions, the answer I would get was “I don’t remember.” I know that is a hard answer to accept, but a cheater can be in a fog and still in the fantasy of everything.
I think my husband had moments where he couldn’t remember. It was a lot of lies to keep up with. I do feel like he did his best to answer truthfully. Especially because his answers were incredibly painful and sickening most of the time, I think that’s when you know you are getting honesty. The answers are gross, and I just felt so disgusted with him.
My husband got validation, a sense of excitement, a temporary escape, and a feeling that his unmet needs were being met. He got to live out a fantasy and live a life of almost instant gratification. He was selfish and insecure, had a sex addiction, and viewed women and sex poorly for many years. We also had unresolved issues in our marriage. We didn’t face things and deal with things. At least, we thought we had. But we didn’t. The affair exposed many blind spots in our relationship.
3. Are you willing to go to counseling together?
Again, if my husband wasn’t willing to go to counseling, I wouldn’t have stayed in the marriage.
An affair is extremely traumatic and probably one of if not the most challenging things you may ever go through.
With that being said, I’m not a counselor, and working through such a tragedy would not have been possible without a therapist. So many deep-rooted issues needed to be dealt with and had been there for many years. Also, if my husband wasn’t willing to work hard to save our marriage, what was the point of me sticking around? He had a lot to prove to me after the affair, and the biggest was that he would fight just as hard as I was to stay together.
4. What are you willing to do to work on yourself so this won’t happen again?
Your spouse may need additional guidance and counseling for infidelity and addiction.
My husband attended a few men’s intensives and a weekly men’s bible group about pornography addiction. Is your spouse willing to do these things?
This can help show you their commitment to change and that they can and will take responsibility for their actions. It has to be more than just saying they will do these things. They have to follow up and actually do them.
After an affair, it’s all about their actions matching their words. So it helps rebuild trust.
The more self-awareness and understanding of the pain caused to the betrayed and yourself, the better chance of not committing adultery again. Understanding the motivation to have an affair in the first place, getting to know yourself, facing insecurities and vulnerabilities, and an ongoing commitment to change are some things I saw firsthand in my spouse.
5. What steps are you willing to take to regain my trust?
This is where boundaries come into play. Providing access to information, such as your cell phone, and letting your spouse know your whereabouts while consistently demonstrating honesty are steps to regaining trust in a broken marriage.
Take every opportunity to rebuild trust with your partner. My husband gave me full access to his phone, and I could also track his whereabouts through Google. You may also be the type of person who needs all the information, whether reading their text messages or asking for detailed info on the affair. Please realize, however, you can’t unhear these things, so prepare yourself if you truly want specific questions answered.
I personally wanted to know and was very upset with the whole painful truth. There are more difficult questions to ask your partner. I still think I would ask the painful questions because otherwise, I would fill in the gaps and stories myself. Sometimes, his truth was way worse than I imagined, but in the end, full transparency helped me move forward.
Conclusion
Asking questions after an affair can help ease anxiety and help with all those obsessive thoughts. Sometimes I would have to ask the same questions repeatedly just for reassurance. Your partner should be willing to answer any questions you may have, especially if they are serious about rebuilding your marriage. And even if that’s not the case, questions can give you some relief and closure on your relationship’s outcome. Sometimes staying isn’t always what is best. And sometimes your marriage is worth fighting for. In the beginning, I wasn’t sure, but now almost 5 years later, I’m glad I stayed.