Why it’s so hard to break affair fog

After discovering my husband’s affair, we immediately attended a counseling session with our therapist. I recall our counselor saying it was as if he wasn’t remorseful at all. He didn’t even seem to feel guilty or realize the extent of the damage and hurt he had caused. At the time I wasn’t aware of affair fog and its hold on my husband.

I could see deep in his eyes that he was still emotionally checked out. Living in a fantasy land for over a year, it was like he wasn’t in reality. 

But, please realize in this article that affair fog is not a term used to say the cheating spouse doesn’t know what they are doing and is just an excuse for them having an affair. 

Ultimately, infidelity is a choice and one that they should take responsibility for. Ultimately, they are responsible for the harm they have caused their partner and marriage. 

However, understanding the factors that contribute to affair fog can help both betrayed and unfaithful partners better understand the dynamics of infidelity and work towards healing and recovery.

Affair Fog: What it Is and How it works

A. What is Affair Fog? 

 Affair fog refers to the intense emotional state that an unfaithful partner experiences during and even after an affair, making it difficult to see things clearly and make rational decisions. 

B. How does Affair Fog affect the brain?

One of the main components of affair fog is the release of powerful neurochemicals in the brain, such as dopamine and oxytocin. These chemicals can create feelings of pleasure, reward, and bonding, which can be highly addictive. In the early stages of an affair, these chemicals can produce a sense of euphoria and a feeling of being “in love” with the affair partner, which can be hard to resist.

C. What are the characteristics of affair fog?

• Obsession-Thinking of the affair partner all the time. Much time is spent talking to them and making more time for them. 
• Idealization-Seeing their affair partner as better than what they are—inability to see their flaws and shortcomings.
• Rationalization-Justifying the affair in some way. Whether they think they deserve it for some reason. Or convincing themselves their spouse is to blame. 
• Deception-the unfaithful will lie to their spouse to keep the affair going.
• Loss of perspective-Also, loss of reality in a sense. They live in a fantasy land and are losing perspective on what is important to them, including their family, job, and responsibilities. 

Why it’s hard to break affair fog

A. The addictive nature of affairs makes breaking free from affair fog difficult.

The release of chemicals in your brain during an affair is similar to that of drugs. Those feelings of pleasure and reward make it challenging to stop and say no, even when you know your actions are wrong or want to stop. 

B. It creates a sense of denial and justification.

As mentioned above, the unfaithful tell themselves things to make what they are doing ok. They get so caught up in the lies and justification that they actually believe what they have convinced themselves of. This makes the connection between their husband or wife easier to distance themselves from and creates a disconnection.

They are making it harder to reconnect with their primary partner. So now their spouse is an awful person to them, and their affair partner is all sunshine and rainbows and the best thing that ever happened to them. All lies!

C. Lack of self-awareness can make breaking free from affair fog even harder.

My husband lacked self-awareness and, because of it, lacked the knowledge of the impact his affair would have, not just on me but himself, our family, and his job. When you lack self-awareness, you aren’t honest with yourself or your feelings. This started even before the affair, and I believe it can help many people not have an affair, to begin with. As the unfaithful, you must be able to confront your thoughts and behaviors, which requires tremendous self-reflection. Without it can be challenging and even impossible to lift the fog and realize the damage caused. 

What are the consequences of Affair fog?

A. A substantial negative impact on the betrayed partner

I know from experience as this has caused me significant harm. My husband’s choice to have an affair gave me deep trust issues. Not just in our marriage but in other relationships as well. My self-esteem has suffered, leaving me with feelings of insecurity, deep depression, anger issues, and emotional as well as physical issues. Also, an inability to handle future relationships with confidence.

B.Long-term consequences for the cheating spouse

For my husband, it has been almost five years since discovery day. We are in a much better place, and many things have contributed to our healing, but I know he still struggles to forgive himself. He hates himself for having the affair and what pain he caused me, as well as himself and others. Even though I forgive him, he still has to live with his actions for the rest of his life.

It still breaks down trust. Trust is the glue that holds a marriage together and can be difficult to rebuild after the secretive nature of infidelity. Even after an affair ends, the unfaithful is viewed as a different person and can take time to heal.

Emotional trauma. Even for the unfaithful. And especially after the fog clears and they’re left with the aftermath of what THEY caused.

Social consequences. This can mean losing the respect of close family or friends. Or even the loss of a job.

C.Potential end of a marriage

Affair fog can significantly be the nail in the coffin of a marriage. Divorce may be the only healthy option. It causes a loss of trust and intimacy, as well as deep pain and emotional trauma. The feeling is unlike anything you have ever experienced. It takes time to rebuild these things and restore an emotional connection.

How to break affair fog

A.The Importance of recognizing and acknowledging affair fog

It can help the unfaithful and the betrayed see why they are feeling the way that they are. Affair fog gives a heightened level of passion and intensity to the affair relationship that isn’t sustainable. Your true self isn’t present or thinking rationally. When acknowledging affair fog, it can help not to make decisions impulsively which leads to regret later on.

It took a couple of weeks, maybe longer, for my husband to come back to reality. He did have a sense of relief right after the affair was exposed. However, it took some time for clarity and the emotional aftermath of the affair to be healed. It is not an automatic thing.

B.The role of Therapy and Counseling

From personal experience, you need counseling after the discovery of an affair. A staggering 80% of marriages will end in divorce after infidelity. That number can feel hopeless, but wise counsel can help process emotions from the aftermath of an affair.

Wise counsel encourages you to take things one day at a time. It can seem overwhelming, and it takes time for trauma to heal. To build new skills and tools and to identify your issues.

Counseling and even a seminar we attended helped us discover what affair fog was, why affairs happen, and a lack of boundaries in a marriage. And helped with self-reflection and brought truth to the hurt.

C.Strategies for overcoming affair fog

Overcoming affair fog requires much effort to break free from these powerful emotions and regain a clear perspective. Here are some strategies that may be helpful:

• Acknowledge the reality of the situation-acknowledge the harm it is causing to yourself, your spouse, and others involved.
• End the relationship with the affair partner-Done! Finished!
• Focus on the future-Focus on your life without the affair and move forward and let it go.
• Reconnect with your partner-take time to strengthen your marriage. Therapy can give you good strategies and help you work through the pain.
• Take responsibility-acknowledge the role you played and take responsibility for your actions.

Conclusion

Affair fog can make it extremely difficult to end an extramarital affair. The intense emotions of infatuation and excitement can cloud a person’s judgment and make it hard to see the reality of the situation. 

However, by acknowledging the harm caused by the affair, seeking professional help, focusing on the future, reconnecting with one’s partner, and taking responsibility, it is possible to break free from the affair fog and rebuild one’s life and relationships. 

It’s important to remember that breaking the affair fog is a process that takes time and effort. Still, with a commitment to personal growth and a willingness to change, it is possible to move forward and find happiness and fulfillment.